Home, Asia, Europe, North America, Latin America and Caribbean, Oceania, News, Sitemap
Home / World / Your Stories
loading map..

Your Views

Are you LGBTI? We want to hear from you! Help us inform other users of the site with your views on this country. Below is a random question about this country. If it is relevant to you please answer it.

Are you religious? If so do you have a religious community in WORLD? How have they reacted to your sexual orientation or gender orientation?
I am not out at my religious community (0 %) I am out, and the community tries to change me against my will (0 %) I am out, and the community condemns me (0 %) I am out, and I have no problems in my religious community (0 %) I do not have a religious community, but I want one (0 %)

The Your Stories section is all about you! Please take a minute to tell visitors of the ILGA website about what LGBTI life is like in reality. Please submit your personal story and share your experience!

YOUR STORIES
Post a new story to this section

Readers Experiences

This is what people are saying about life for LGBTI people in WORLD...
MJ (user currently living in PHILIPPINES) posted for lesbian readers to the PHILIPPINES country page on 01/10/2012 +25
link
My first Confession

Life is harder when you’re a homosexual. Those words hurt me much. Yes I’ am a lesbian and this homosexuality kills me everyday. The world is not yet ready to accept us, our culture as a Filipino is still preventing us to integrate totally in the mainstream of our society, although some gays and lesbians have been accepted already because of their efforts, acceptance is not as whole as GENUINE recognition to us. I don’t know of laws recognizing us, like for example the same sex marriage is not yet mandated or legalized by our government at the present time, in my own family culture as well, where my family labeled homosexuals as abnormal and evils. And it hurts me that it frightened me to speak up my homosexuality.

I was a child when I felt that there is something wrong with me, I was 5 years old I guess, I remember when I don’t want to wear girl’s dress like “palda or bistida” and I am more of shorts or pants, I also had crushes with my females teachers then. I indentified myself as insane that time (because I’ am different), though I was a child then, everything was really different to me. My poor age didn’t obstruct me to think that there’s something wrong with me.

Years passed by and my homosexuality became part of my system, I learned to embrace it though it pains me so much then, It made me inferior about myself. That was the time when my inferiority complex started to ruin my life. I was very ashamed of myself, I had few friends, I didn’t participate in class, and I was very quiet with a very tiny voice in the class, I couldn’t speak up any stronger because of my inferiority complex. I thought my lesbianism would express and people would avoid me. I was like a dust, a figurine, or any displayed photos/pictures attached around classrooms. I never acknowledged because I didn’t want to because I feared that people would learn my identity. And I had been so much careful to hide it that time to avoid any rejections.

My high school days were one of the most hurtful moments through out my existence. I had my first love and my first heart break. I almost tried to take a suicide then. It broke my spirituality I felt that my life had no meaning at all. She’s the most lovely and intelligent student in our class that time. She loves to mingle with everyone. I fell in love with her because we became one of the closest friends in the class, and most of the time we were together. I didn’t expect much from her that time, I never disclosed my sexuality up to this time, I had my limitation, I never took advantage of her, however sometimes I got jealous and I expressed it through avoiding her. Why everything turned such way? The first time I saw her, I thought she was the same girl I had crush with. Until we became close friends because of her skills in making friends with everybody, that’s why everyone in the class loved her. I had good sense of humor then, the reason why she liked me. I was in 4th year high school when we became classmates and friends. Her friendly attitude killed me, though I never expected everything from her as I said earlier, because I know she could not love me back since she’s not a lesbian too, until one time, she said to me that she loves me and I was like her girlfriend, and the most striking words she said was “I would never ever find a boyfriend, you’re my girlfriend and I’ am a lesbian” she laughed after those words had expressed. And because I didn’t expect anything to her, I laughed too and I took those words as jokes; however deep inside I was very happy that time. Since then, my mind said “never expects” while my heart said “you have a chance” and I followed the second.

Everything turned well after that day, we texted some nights and we exchanged sweet messages, like” I love you” and were always together in every class, I think that situation last after months when she became close with our other classmates. I never get her attention anymore then. And that made us separate most of the times. Her new friends were also the friends of her suitor, and that made him had his easy contact to her, I was so jealous to the both of them every time I found her together. Since then, I realized that everything we had was only a joke, but that joke was never a funny joke nor an entertaining one but the most hurtful joke I could ever received in my life.
Though her suitor basted by her, I tried to give up my feelings, because I followed what my mind said to me (never expects) I analyzed every single thing we had, I concluded that she’s not a lesbian but she’s just a friendly girl who loves to get into a serious relationship with a BOY by the time she is ready to commit. That conclusion was very suicidal on my part but I tried to move on because I know my dream is impossible and it won’t ever happen. Until we graduated and years passed by, we saw each other again. This is through the use of facebook and I was second Year College then I guess. We chatted and greeted each other; I once or twice visited her in their house, my love for her started to bloom again, because of sweet messages to me, that’s my vulnerability, “sweet message from a sweet girl is my vulnerability”. When I asked her if she had a boyfriend, she said none, and she would wait for the perfect time, she never had one since high school, I asked her just to challenge her. Although I had crushes and I once in love again with other girls, my love for her bloomed once more but not for long and this was because I fell in love with other girls during my college days.

My college days were another suicidal days in my life, I fell in love with my girl classmate. But these were more painful that the prior experience. I had many crushes, but I will focus more on the people I fell in love with. I took (secret) course, the course that changes my life. Anyhow I fell in love with 2 girls. The one when I was 2nd year college, the second when I was 3rd up to 4th year college. The former was painful, and I fell for her for just months only, it was not that remarkable for me, I am moved on this time, but for the purpose of remembering I will tell it all on this writing. The girl was not that pretty and not that intelligent, (the opposite of my first love). I fell in love with her because she’s so friendly to me; my sense of humor was once again the cause of my attachment with her. As I remembered, only month when I we were attached to each other, again it was just a friendship attachment, and I was just paranoid again. It was in the middle of loving her when I learned that she’s in a relationship with a guy “a baduy guy” from that I tried my best to forget but it was so hurtful that my school performance was affected by that situation.

But the pain in my heart had lost easily when I met the second girl. She was different from the other girls. I enjoyed loving her, though she was the most insensitive girl among others. We fought most of the time. My sense of humor for another time was the reason why she liked me. But because of our opposite personalities we fought most of times then. Similar to my prior experiences, I was the one who expecting for her love back, she’s from a broken relationship with our classmate and because I ‘am cute and huggable (my sense of humor too) she enjoyed my company and perhaps I was her way of moving on from her broken relationship. But again, it was another friendship attachment. Though sometimes our sweetness is extraordinary, I bleed because of her. In the middle of my attachment with her, she fell in love again with her ex-boyfriend. I got jealous so I tried my best to separate myself with her, (so I won’t hurt that much) and since we always fighting, It motivated me to move away. I received hurt words from her, not so good treatment as well. That time, my sexuality is not only the problem but my preferences in terms of hobbies, styles, and point of views became the reasons why I bleed and tried my best to move on. Fortunately, I was able to let go of her, and now I confidently say that I am moved on with her memories. And the good thing is that we are all good friends presently.

The experience with the third girl made me more pessimistic about love. I tried my best to compensate my time to something that will make me happy and successful instead. Love is not a love for me, Love is just a word, but its definition doesn’t contain the feeling or the meaning when you’re in love” I became more serious about my work. After college, I volunteered myself as a community organizer in an agency. My sexuality was still the issue, but it was not that my major problem then. I focused more on my existential purpose in this world. I tried to do my best to be a good person and hard working one.

One year later, I fell in love with my first love again (high school); she invited me for a date on Feb 14, 2011. That was my happiest valentines through out my existence. I thought I gave up her. But she was the one who approached me for a date and she’s still kind and lovely to me then. (As I said earlier that’s my vulnerability). Since then, my hope for her love became powerful. However, after all, I found out that she’s in love with our high school classmate, the boy is currently active on church same as her, I think the reason why she’s in love with the guy is because of his (the guy)passion in doing church activities. I almost dead when I learned that, but since I bleed many times before, I was able to handle my depression, however one thing I worried of is my behavior towards love. I feel that everyday my pessimistic point of view about love gets stronger and most of the time I cannot control my anger which affects my work and my relation with other people and my family as well. Most of the time I prefer to be alone, I avoid any of emotional attachment, until I took my board exam.

I took my board exam this year and fortunately I passed the exam, this could be my biggest accomplishment this year, but in terms of love life, I ‘am still hopeless again. Until I met one of my closest friend in college, we took the board exam and board review together, it was almost 3 months and within that time, I fell in love with her, It was weird because during my college days I didn’t have care for her, although we are good friends ever since, but she was really kind and sweet to me, I remember when the time we ate together and she said that she had a crush on me, however since I had fallen in love with my other classmate that time, I ignored her and I took not seriously every thing she had said to me that time, anyway, if I took her seriously, that could be another false interpretation of love again, (perhaps I was just insanely thinking that she’s really in love with me when everything was a just a friendship thing) that’s why I ignored her BUT, my vulnerability prevailed again. After we passed the exam I fall in love again my feeling for her became stronger when I slept over in their house during the days of examination. She is more beautiful than before and she is still so sweet to me, the reason why I fell in love with her. After the board exam I was not able to see her everyday, however, I always see her on twitter, before I ignored her on twitter but since I have fallen in love with her right now, I always poke her with messages in twitter, and she’s tweet me back too with sweet messages like “I love you” a friendship thing but I look at it more than that. She invited me for a date last week only, I also slept over in their house. I was so happy to see her again; we talked, ate and laughed. She also loves me because of my sense of humor. BUT, another reason why I accepted her invitation was to validate if she loves me too, through silent investigation I found out that she’s not in love with me, she’s from a broken relationship two years ago, the reason why she loves to mingle with other people including me is to move on with her traumatic experience wit her former failed relationship. And it hurts like hell.

Until now, I’ am bleeding with my sexuality, I don’t know how to start, though I have plans separate from love live, I am still unhappy with my life, loving is the happiest experience in a man/woman life. But, knowing I could get the love the way I want to it to be felt, it keeps me thinking that I would never ever had I best moment in my life. Everything would be boring. I’ am depressed right now. I want to disclose my sexuality but for what? My family, my friends are not that supportive, I don’t know how is it going to be if I disclosed it now?

I feel my sexuality affect my whole individuality. And I am not happy with it, I had this inferiority complex because of this sexuality, and living with inferiority complex could increase the chances of failing. My profession is very different to what I supposed to portray myself. I should be stronger and I should accept myself. But regardless of professional background and knowledge I have right know if I’ am not happy with my life and that society is not that supportive to our sexuality everything then, would be USELESS. Where can I get the best motivation to speak up the real me?

I ‘am now working in an agency where I supposed to be strong. And I supposed to be stronger enough to handle and to solve my problem (my homosexuality). BUT I can’t. I want every one in this world would be supportive to homosexuals. I don’t want to be rejected, the world we are living right now has full of discriminating laws, policies, and structure. And I want to be heard by someone/somebody who will understand me genuinely, without judgment and rejections.

I ‘am sorry if I wrote so long. My experiences with whom I fell in love with were the saddest moments in my life. For me, loving is the most difficult moment for a homosexuals. Loving should be as sweet as heaven, but it became bitter as hell for us. I don’t want to compensate my broken hope about love to work. I ‘am not the kind of person who will work the rest of my life instead of doing things I preferred the most. But, the problem is the impossibility of my wants.

I want to be loved the way I want, I don’t want to be forever alone, or to devote much of my time in working. I want to be like other people, I want to have what I want to have. Life is temporary and I don’t want to live like an invisible homosexual whose real happiness is so far to achieve.

I want a help from you guys, I want to change my life, I want strength, a person to lean on, and a person to talk with without any pre-judgment impression on whatever I will disclose of. I want a loving responds from what I have been through. This is the first time I wrote to disclose my sexuality after more than 20 years of existence. I WANT A HELP FROM YOU L
add response to story
MJ (user currently living in PHILIPPINES) posted for lesbian readers to the PHILIPPINES country page on 01/10/2012 +25
link
My first Confession

Life is harder when you’re a homosexual. Those words hurt me much. Yes I’ am a lesbian and this homosexuality kills me everyday. The world is not yet ready to accept us, our culture as a Filipino is still preventing us to integrate totally in the mainstream of our society, although some gays and lesbians have been accepted already because of their efforts, acceptance is not as whole as GENUINE recognition to us. I don’t know of laws recognizing us, like for example the same sex marriage is not yet mandated or legalized by our government at the present time, in my own family culture as well, where my family labeled homosexuals as abnormal and evils. And it hurts me that it frightened me to speak up my homosexuality.

I was a child when I felt that there is something wrong with me, I was 5 years old I guess, I remember when I don’t want to wear girl’s dress like “palda or bistida” and I am more of shorts or pants, I also had crushes with my females teachers then. I indentified myself as insane that time (because I’ am different), though I was a child then, everything was really different to me. My poor age didn’t obstruct me to think that there’s something wrong with me.

Years passed by and my homosexuality became part of my system, I learned to embrace it though it pains me so much then, It made me inferior about myself. That was the time when my inferiority complex started to ruin my life. I was very ashamed of myself, I had few friends, I didn’t participate in class, and I was very quiet with a very tiny voice in the class, I couldn’t speak up any stronger because of my inferiority complex. I thought my lesbianism would express and people would avoid me. I was like a dust, a figurine, or any displayed photos/pictures attached around classrooms. I never acknowledged because I didn’t want to because I feared that people would learn my identity. And I had been so much careful to hide it that time to avoid any rejections.

My high school days were one of the most hurtful moments through out my existence. I had my first love and my first heart break. I almost tried to take a suicide then. It broke my spirituality I felt that my life had no meaning at all. She’s the most lovely and intelligent student in our class that time. She loves to mingle with everyone. I fell in love with her because we became one of the closest friends in the class, and most of the time we were together. I didn’t expect much from her that time, I never disclosed my sexuality up to this time, I had my limitation, I never took advantage of her, however sometimes I got jealous and I expressed it through avoiding her. Why everything turned such way? The first time I saw her, I thought she was the same girl I had crush with. Until we became close friends because of her skills in making friends with everybody, that’s why everyone in the class loved her. I had good sense of humor then, the reason why she liked me. I was in 4th year high school when we became classmates and friends. Her friendly attitude killed me, though I never expected everything from her as I said earlier, because I know she could not love me back since she’s not a lesbian too, until one time, she said to me that she loves me and I was like her girlfriend, and the most striking words she said was “I would never ever find a boyfriend, you’re my girlfriend and I’ am a lesbian” she laughed after those words had expressed. And because I didn’t expect anything to her, I laughed too and I took those words as jokes; however deep inside I was very happy that time. Since then, my mind said “never expects” while my heart said “you have a chance” and I followed the second.

Everything turned well after that day, we texted some nights and we exchanged sweet messages, like” I love you” and were always together in every class, I think that situation last after months when she became close with our other classmates. I never get her attention anymore then. And that made us separate most of the times. Her new friends were also the friends of her suitor, and that made him had his easy contact to her, I was so jealous to the both of them every time I found her together. Since then, I realized that everything we had was only a joke, but that joke was never a funny joke nor an entertaining one but the most hurtful joke I could ever received in my life.
Though her suitor basted by her, I tried to give up my feelings, because I followed what my mind said to me (never expects) I analyzed every single thing we had, I concluded that she’s not a lesbian but she’s just a friendly girl who loves to get into a serious relationship with a BOY by the time she is ready to commit. That conclusion was very suicidal on my part but I tried to move on because I know my dream is impossible and it won’t ever happen. Until we graduated and years passed by, we saw each other again. This is through the use of facebook and I was second Year College then I guess. We chatted and greeted each other; I once or twice visited her in their house, my love for her started to bloom again, because of sweet messages to me, that’s my vulnerability, “sweet message from a sweet girl is my vulnerability”. When I asked her if she had a boyfriend, she said none, and she would wait for the perfect time, she never had one since high school, I asked her just to challenge her. Although I had crushes and I once in love again with other girls, my love for her bloomed once more but not for long and this was because I fell in love with other girls during my college days.

My college days were another suicidal days in my life, I fell in love with my girl classmate. But these were more painful that the prior experience. I had many crushes, but I will focus more on the people I fell in love with. I took (secret) course, the course that changes my life. Anyhow I fell in love with 2 girls. The one when I was 2nd year college, the second when I was 3rd up to 4th year college. The former was painful, and I fell for her for just months only, it was not that remarkable for me, I am moved on this time, but for the purpose of remembering I will tell it all on this writing. The girl was not that pretty and not that intelligent, (the opposite of my first love). I fell in love with her because she’s so friendly to me; my sense of humor was once again the cause of my attachment with her. As I remembered, only month when I we were attached to each other, again it was just a friendship attachment, and I was just paranoid again. It was in the middle of loving her when I learned that she’s in a relationship with a guy “a baduy guy” from that I tried my best to forget but it was so hurtful that my school performance was affected by that situation.

But the pain in my heart had lost easily when I met the second girl. She was different from the other girls. I enjoyed loving her, though she was the most insensitive girl among others. We fought most of the time. My sense of humor for another time was the reason why she liked me. But because of our opposite personalities we fought most of times then. Similar to my prior experiences, I was the one who expecting for her love back, she’s from a broken relationship with our classmate and because I ‘am cute and huggable (my sense of humor too) she enjoyed my company and perhaps I was her way of moving on from her broken relationship. But again, it was another friendship attachment. Though sometimes our sweetness is extraordinary, I bleed because of her. In the middle of my attachment with her, she fell in love again with her ex-boyfriend. I got jealous so I tried my best to separate myself with her, (so I won’t hurt that much) and since we always fighting, It motivated me to move away. I received hurt words from her, not so good treatment as well. That time, my sexuality is not only the problem but my preferences in terms of hobbies, styles, and point of views became the reasons why I bleed and tried my best to move on. Fortunately, I was able to let go of her, and now I confidently say that I am moved on with her memories. And the good thing is that we are all good friends presently.

The experience with the third girl made me more pessimistic about love. I tried my best to compensate my time to something that will make me happy and successful instead. Love is not a love for me, Love is just a word, but its definition doesn’t contain the feeling or the meaning when you’re in love” I became more serious about my work. After college, I volunteered myself as a community organizer in an agency. My sexuality was still the issue, but it was not that my major problem then. I focused more on my existential purpose in this world. I tried to do my best to be a good person and hard working one.

One year later, I fell in love with my first love again (high school); she invited me for a date on Feb 14, 2011. That was my happiest valentines through out my existence. I thought I gave up her. But she was the one who approached me for a date and she’s still kind and lovely to me then. (As I said earlier that’s my vulnerability). Since then, my hope for her love became powerful. However, after all, I found out that she’s in love with our high school classmate, the boy is currently active on church same as her, I think the reason why she’s in love with the guy is because of his (the guy)passion in doing church activities. I almost dead when I learned that, but since I bleed many times before, I was able to handle my depression, however one thing I worried of is my behavior towards love. I feel that everyday my pessimistic point of view about love gets stronger and most of the time I cannot control my anger which affects my work and my relation with other people and my family as well. Most of the time I prefer to be alone, I avoid any of emotional attachment, until I took my board exam.

I took my board exam this year and fortunately I passed the exam, this could be my biggest accomplishment this year, but in terms of love life, I ‘am still hopeless again. Until I met one of my closest friend in college, we took the board exam and board review together, it was almost 3 months and within that time, I fell in love with her, It was weird because during my college days I didn’t have care for her, although we are good friends ever since, but she was really kind and sweet to me, I remember when the time we ate together and she said that she had a crush on me, however since I had fallen in love with my other classmate that time, I ignored her and I took not seriously every thing she had said to me that time, anyway, if I took her seriously, that could be another false interpretation of love again, (perhaps I was just insanely thinking that she’s really in love with me when everything was a just a friendship thing) that’s why I ignored her BUT, my vulnerability prevailed again. After we passed the exam I fall in love again my feeling for her became stronger when I slept over in their house during the days of examination. She is more beautiful than before and she is still so sweet to me, the reason why I fell in love with her. After the board exam I was not able to see her everyday, however, I always see her on twitter, before I ignored her on twitter but since I have fallen in love with her right now, I always poke her with messages in twitter, and she’s tweet me back too with sweet messages like “I love you” a friendship thing but I look at it more than that. She invited me for a date last week only, I also slept over in their house. I was so happy to see her again; we talked, ate and laughed. She also loves me because of my sense of humor. BUT, another reason why I accepted her invitation was to validate if she loves me too, through silent investigation I found out that she’s not in love with me, she’s from a broken relationship two years ago, the reason why she loves to mingle with other people including me is to move on with her traumatic experience wit her former failed relationship. And it hurts like hell.

Until now, I’ am bleeding with my sexuality, I don’t know how to start, though I have plans separate from love live, I am still unhappy with my life, loving is the happiest experience in a man/woman life. But, knowing I could get the love the way I want to it to be felt, it keeps me thinking that I would never ever had I best moment in my life. Everything would be boring. I’ am depressed right now. I want to disclose my sexuality but for what? My family, my friends are not that supportive, I don’t know how is it going to be if I disclosed it now?

I feel my sexuality affect my whole individuality. And I am not happy with it, I had this inferiority complex because of this sexuality, and living with inferiority complex could increase the chances of failing. My profession is very different to what I supposed to portray myself. I should be stronger and I should accept myself. But regardless of professional background and knowledge I have right know if I’ am not happy with my life and that society is not that supportive to our sexuality everything then, would be USELESS. Where can I get the best motivation to speak up the real me?

I ‘am now working in an agency where I supposed to be strong. And I supposed to be stronger enough to handle and to solve my problem (my homosexuality). BUT I can’t. I want every one in this world would be supportive to homosexuals. I don’t want to be rejected, the world we are living right now has full of discriminating laws, policies, and structure. And I want to be heard by someone/somebody who will understand me genuinely, without judgment and rejections.

I ‘am sorry if I wrote so long. My experiences with whom I fell in love with were the saddest moments in my life. For me, loving is the most difficult moment for a homosexuals. Loving should be as sweet as heaven, but it became bitter as hell for us. I don’t want to compensate my broken hope about love to work. I ‘am not the kind of person who will work the rest of my life instead of doing things I preferred the most. But, the problem is the impossibility of my wants.

I want to be loved the way I want, I don’t want to be forever alone, or to devote much of my time in working. I want to be like other people, I want to have what I want to have. Life is temporary and I don’t want to live like an invisible homosexual whose real happiness is so far to achieve.

I want a help from you guys, I want to change my life, I want strength, a person to lean on, and a person to talk with without any pre-judgment impression on whatever I will disclose of. I want a loving responds from what I have been through. This is the first time I wrote to disclose my sexuality after more than 20 years of existence. I WANT A HELP FROM YOU L
add response to story
Alex (user currently living in UNITED STATES) posted for readers to the PHILIPPINES country page on 12/10/2012
link
Maybe the support that i give is shallow and meaningless, however i will give nonetheless.
I have no idea of the pain you are going through, so it seems trivial to say "keep going", yet that is all i can say. Keep going for when you find that someone, the wait would've made it even sweeter.
As for your friends, if you are honestly in love with someone: try telling them. I understand that this is not something commonly admitted in your society, yet it seems the best way out of the situation you are in.
Stay strong.
Keep Living.
add response to story
Xian (user currently living in PHILIPPINES) posted for lesbian readers to the PHILIPPINES country page on 18/11/2012 +5
link
Hi i read your story and i may not experienced the same pain that you did i am also looking for the same thing to be loved by a woman and to love me in return. I actually thought i already found her, then out of nowhere she told me that she cannot say 'i love you' to me because shes busy at work then a week after that she told me she needs space. I was with her for 4years, i hope ul find that special someone. Stay strong.
add response to story
add response to story
Bookmark and Share