Hello! I live in The Kabardino-Balkar Republic - it's a federal subject of Russia (a republic) located in the North Caucasus. Our republic includes two major ethnic communities, the Kabardins and the Balkars - both of them are Muslims. I belong to Kabardins and I'm gay. I guess you don't need the explanations how difficult it is for gay person to live in Muslim community...
Anyway, I've spent all my life living in Nalchik (a capital of The Kabardino-Balkar Republic) and all my life I was hoping that one day everything will change.
I was 12 years old when I realized that I'm gay. I had no one with whom I could share my secret. There was no person to help me with any kind of advice. I was bullied by every single person I know, including my own parents... But I did not give up and for over 11 years I was trying to survive my problems. I kept fighting because I was hoping that one day, after graduation I will leave The Kabardino-Balkar Republic. But moving to any other Russian City is not a solution of my problem also, because all my relatives have sworn to find and kill me for being openly gay. I've already told you that my family members are Muslims and when I told them that I'm gay, their religious views did not allow them to accept me the way I am... In 2009 I tried to run away from my family: I moved to Saint Petersburg, which WAS known as being the most Gay-Friendly City in Russia. But two months later my family tracked me down and brought me home by force. Now I understand that even if they didn't find me I couldn't keep living in Saint Petersburg, because last year St. Petersburg became Russia's third city to pass an anti-gay law called “gay propaganda.” Two regions of Russia — Arkhangelsk and Ryazan — have previously passed the same law. 62% of Russians supported the re-criminalization of homosexual acts between consenting adults. I'm in despair... And I don't know what to do... Russia is becoming homophobic country. I can not keep living in Muslim Homophobic Republic - it's dangerous for my life. My father wants me to marry a girl this summer - he thinks that it will change me and who I am. But it won't. Even if it would, I don't want it to... I live in horror and tyranny... My family and my country do not want me to be happy with who I am. But I'm proud I'm gay... Sometimes I want to kill myself (it seems to be the only solution of my problems)... I'm just thinking: If I won't kill myself somebody else will kill me... I beg for help... I just want to live normal life without fear and discrimination...